Cosmic Rewind is a Transcendent Masterpiece: an unexpected review

 

"Epcot? Is that thematically appropriate?"--me, paraphrased, June 2023

Last week, I had the very unexpected, and very fortunate privilege to visit Walt Disney World for the first time since 2017.  Naturally, besides getting to ride Tower of Terror again (and wow, do I have a LOT to write about that!), one of my priorities was to try out all the new rides that had sprung up in the six years since my last visit.

When it came to Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind, my expectations were very low.  First of all, it was a GOTG ride.  Mission Breakout set that bar very, very low with it being a bad re-skin of an existing attraction—and an attraction that I liked very much, at that.  And even at WDW, I often heard guests confusing Rewind and Breakout, saying things like “uh I think that’s just a second Tower of Terror here?”  It’s bad when guests don’t even realize what ride system is involved!  Furthermore, there seemed to be very little hype for Cosmic Rewind; all the hype seemed to be focused on Tron and how beautiful and good that coaster was, and most “hype” concerning the new Epcot Omnicoaster involved how many people vomited as a result of riding it.  And, to top it all off, Universe of Energy/Ellen’s Energy Adventure had been an Epcot classic for me, and I was hesitant to see the Guardians potentially destroying yet another thing I enjoyed.

Thus, between my hesitance surrounding the theme, Disney’s apparent lack of effective marketing to guests, and the coaster’s barf-y reputation, I basically got a boarding pass for the ride as a formality.  May as well ride it once and get it over with.

Imagine my shock when I found out that Cosmic Rewind is legitimately one of the greatest rides of all time.

Tears actually started to well up in my eyes a bit by the end, “One Way or Another” by Blondie ringing in my ears.  Not since I first rode Tower in 2002 had I gotten this feeling of “this is an art piece” while riding an attraction.  I was lost for words as I stepped off at the exit.  I didn’t expect modern Disney to be capable of producing something like this.  It is stunning.  No video can do it justice.

First off, the Omnicoaster is a wonderful achievement in ride vehicles.  I was amused at first seeing them, as they seemed to be beefed-up versions of the Journey into Imagination with Figment ride cars.  In action, they are incredible.  They deliver such a smooth, floaty feel for the coaster that it really feels like you’re flying and floating through space—and fun fantasy space, not that intense potential sickness-inducing realistic space that Mission Space delivers.  It might be the best feeling coaster around; the seats are very comfortable too, on top of their ability to deliver thrills.  You feel like you have your own roomy seat, which is great if you’re a single rider or odd-numbered party.  The seats also seem to accommodate a wide variety of guest body types, delivering on inclusivity.  The track and motions were a perfect balance of speed, thrill, and just general fun.  It’s a graceful dance made from mechanical engineering.

I’m also somewhat perplexed by the ride’s vomit-soaked reputation, as, to me, the cars’ motion seemed perfectly calculated to prevent motion sickness, orienting you correctly at the projections and tilting to balance g-forces.  It was the opposite of Mission Breakout, where the bouncing in front of the screen does make me queasy.  That said I did witness multiple people getting severely motion-sick and vomiting in the exit area.  Indeed, it was a bit of a dampener to step off of an incredible, emotional experience and immediately have to dodge other guests being sick around me.  It’s no mystery as to why the ride has a vomit-soaked reputation based on that evidence, but I’m completely confused as to what part of the ride would actually induce that in people.

Second, Cosmic Rewind clearly builds off of and improves upon technologies and rides that Disney has made before.  It is very clearly the combined evolution of Space Mountain, Ghost Galaxy, and Rock n’ Roller Coaster.  The “very large man” Celestial and his role he plays is reminiscent of the creature in Ghost Galaxy, while of course the smooth space coaster aspect itself draws from especially the Anaheim version of Space Mountain.  It likewise draws upon Rock n’ Roller Coaster’s rotating music tracklist and launched start, and the animated projected portals you fly through feel like technologically advanced descendants of Rockin’s florescent flat-painted Los Angeles.  Not since the Matterhorn-to-Expedition Everest line have I seen such a clear example of Disney both building on and improving a concept to deliver a top tier attraction.  Actually, given the multiple launches and backwards-and-forwards switch-ups, I think Rewind might draw from Everest too.  This truly felt like the culmination of a lot of Imagineering work coming together to create something beautiful.  It draws on such solid foundations, and yet is distinct and new.

I ended up riding four times throughout my trip, getting a boarding pass basically every time I was eligible for one.  In those four trips, I got three songs: “One Way or Another” by Blondie (first and third ride), “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls (second), and “Conga” by Gloria Estefan (fourth).  I must say, one aspect that is both a positive and negative is how the music interacts with the coaster.  While the option of different soundtracks is fun, some songs certainly fit the theme and the energy much better than others.  “One Way or Another” felt perfectly thematically appropriate with the Guardians trying to “get” the Celestial, and generally fit Peter Quill’s assertion that “No one’s gonna stop rock and roll from existing!”  “Conga,” however, was the best fit for the actual ride experience, with it matching the high energy and dance-like motions of the coaster to perfection.  “I Ran” didn’t feel like it fit the motion of the coaster at all in my opinion.

Now, onto the slightly more negative portion of the review.

I would’ve liked to have seen something besides screens/projections.  I understand why Disney didn’t want to go for a large scale animatronic, as cool as it would be to zip around a figure of The Very Large Man (such a detailed figure might be wasted on a coaster that zips by in a second, and also nobody wants a repeat of Yeti! At The Disco), but perhaps something in the pre-show—be it an animatronic or even just a physical set of a Nova Corps ship bay as the loading zone, would’ve given this a bit more oomph.  Rock n’ Roller Coaster—probably this ride’s closest relative—at least has the highly detailed alleyway loading zone/takeoff area while the rest of the queue is basic and the preshow is primarily a screen.

Then, there’s the big elephant in the room: the theme.  Not necessarily the Guardians themselves; I feel about them pretty much the same way I do about Aerosmith for Rock n’ Roller Coaster.  I don’t care about the band itself, so much as I just really like highly themed indoor coasters that blast music that matches the ride experience.  What band it is doesn’t matter too much provided the genre/theme matches the ride.  No, the MAJOR theme issue is “Does GOTG belong in Epcot?”

A ride so good, it makes you forget it's themed to a property that tries WAY too hard to act "cool"

And it’s pretty obvious the answer is “no.”

The Imagineers did an excellent job parodying an educational Epcot pavilion for the queue, and the displays are quite entertaining to watch as you wait in line.  However, that’s the thing—it’s a PARODY of an Epcot pavilion, not an actual proper one in its own right, and it feels wrong having it stand beside the still (at least vaguely) educational Test Track, Living with the Land, Soarin’, Mission Space, and The Seas with Nemo.  The only thing this educates you about is MCU lore, and as fun as that can be, it’s pretty clearly not in the same category as even Test Track 2.0’s highly fanciful take on automotive development.

The fact that Star Lord is canonically a classic Epcot aficionado is an… interesting choice too.  It’s Disney’s thin excuse for putting this ride in this park, saying that Quill wanted an exhibit in his favorite childhood theme park.  But in the queue he explicitly states that one of his favorite attractions was “seeing the energy dinosaurs” and he can’t wait to see them again.   The joke, of course, is that his ride is now in the space those dinosaurs inhabited. It’s certainly a choice to have a protagonist canonically disappointed in your ride placement!

That said, I suppose the placement isn’t too bad from a practical standpoint.  It balances the large roller coasters between parks (this for Epcot, Tron and Space Mountain for MK, Everest for AK, and Rockin for HS) and I have to say I’m not too hurt about losing Universe of Energy for a ride this good.  It’s thematically inappropriate, but I feel it earns its place through sheer force of “but it is a truly excellent ride.”  Every piece except the location (and possibly the theme, if you absolutely hate the MCU) contributes to the experience.

The last, much pettier complaint I have is the lack of merch!  Mission Breakout, that perpetual ugly disappointment, has TONS of ride-specific merch that says the title, shows the ride façade, features ride-specific phrases, and so on.  Cosmic Rewind?  When I went, my options were a notepad, a keychain, and a toy model of the ride vehicle.  The rest of the merchandise was generic Guardians of the Galaxy-branded items or items themed to Xandar—which, while Xandar is the location of a significant portion of the ride, it also appears in the film, thus making the merch in question not quite ride-specific.  Half of the already-small merch shop was filled with generic Marvel items that weren’t even related to Guardians of the Galaxy!

West Coast Disney fans were so robbed.  DCA Tower of Terror was destroyed for a terrible, cheap GOTG re-theme; Florida not only got to keep their incredible Tower of Terror, but got THIS feat of art and engineering to represent their GOTG property.  This might legitimately be my second favorite ride of all time, only behind Tower of Terror itself.  It truly sucks to know that, as the result of Mission Breakout, the Anaheim property will never receive this ride. 

Disney can still make quality rides—not cheap re-themes—when they feel like it.  If only they did so more often.